A Message From Your New Governor – That Speech in Full – Part One

 

Good tidings Britons!

 

As you probably are aware my ancestor, Gordonicus Laborius (a.k.a. “Gordonicus the horrible in light of the fact that he was, indeed, horrendous awful) has amiably committed suicide and it has been my honor, alongside my accomplices of the Coalitium Desperandum, to have been picked by the Emperor for rise to high office by means of the Festival of Dupus Electus. I have in like manner assumed control over the reins of force of this pained Province.

 

It appears to be suitable at this crossroads to address you, the ordinary masses, straightforwardly now that I am half a month into my residency and things are trundling along as flawlessly as a free chariot on a sharp slope and before the high expectations that went to my How to join the illuminati supposition of the governorship have finished their customary vanishing.

 

The primary thing I ought to bring up – and allow me to be exceptionally clear about this – is that when I utilized the expression “reins of force”, I was obviously talking emblematically: I have found that my high office doesn’t really use power accordingly, aside from the ability to follow the directs and proclamations of his highness Caesar Nefarius Vexus and the Illuminati of his majestic gathering, the Hiddum Agendum.

 

Believe it or not, I didn’t be aware until I prevailed to office that there was a ruler or a Hiddum Agendum, albeit thinking back nostalgically upon the exciting days when my obligations were gladly bound to cynically storing disdain on the hapless Gordonicus, looking wise on the means of the Senate and cooking up arrangements that sounded different to the ones that previously had the cookroom of state holed underneath the water line and sinking quick, I don’t know how I figured out how to miss the blindingly self-evident.

 

The way that nearly every other person in the nation had some awareness of it, on account of the flippant fomentations of the rebel group, Conspiricus Theorus, which got the slaves, craftsmans, plebians and little vendors of the land mocking the Televisium, was especially irritating.

 

Why in the world did nobody remember to specify it to me? I can envision that the removed Gordonicus is having a tranquil laugh to my detriment now that I am well and really blundered.

 

In any case, that’s the short and long of it. I was unable not out of the ordinary to know it all and there was sparse time in my bustling timetable to gain a comprehension of financial aspects, this present reality in which we live or to be sure individuals in it. Other than we have many long stretches of history to authenticate the way that these are excessive abilities for the heads of countries.

 

In any case, since the Emperor has spread the word about Himself for me and the real factors of life have been presented for me plainly, I have needed to make a few minor changes in accordance with the plans I and my co-Governor, Nickus Cleggus, made when we figured we would be in genuine control of a sovereign country, as opposed to commonplace overseers following up for the benefit of the Empire (differently alluded to as “The Union” or “A vote based system.”)

 

The fundamental, exceptionally small, change in our reasoning has been to change from deciding and attempting to run things to not going with any choices or really doing anything except if trained by the Emperor or his essential organizations like the World Debt Emporium or the Complex Militaria Industria.

 

Luckily, a significant number of our arrangements, known as the “Adjustmens Cosmetix,” were basically business as usual approaches previously utilized by Gordonicus and his ancestors: political and financial measures that had demonstrated so fruitful in the bloodless oppression of Britannia, her surrendering the will to live and her subsequent joining into the Empire.

 

Thusly, these approaches previously bore the supreme blessing and His Majesty very enjoys individuals to concoct inventive thoughts concerning how to spruce up the verbiage encompassing, or for sure disguising, them. Which was the reason I was decided to get chosen: the Emperor needs the local heads addressing his inclinations, avoiding the rage of the locals, etc, to essentially look as though they can be accused.

 

So very little needed to change then, at that point, past our dropping any enormous thoughts we might have had about our station when it’s all said and done once we did that, we figured out how to space haplessly yet by the by disappointedly into the smooth-turning machine gear-pieces and crushing stones of the Imperial plant.

 

Our immense, clearing vision that so terminated the public creative mind and set a glorious new skyline before the country, to “balance the books by cutting all trivial administrations like emergency clinics, schools and the police and driving the populace of this extraordinary country into penury,” needed to go – indeed, basically the “adjusting the books” cycle, which we have been educated is really incomprehensible. The remainder of our incredible vision stays intact and in this way we intend to press ahead with clearing changes that, similar to the very best changes, will try not to carry genuine change into the situation, besides obviously where we can compound the situation.

 

We are sure thusly that we can switch the disappointments of Gordonicus whose residency saw the territory plunge to fifteenth most remarkable in the Empire. We completely plan to see Britannia clear to sixteenth or seventeenth position, albeit eventually the fortunes of any area rely basically upon whom the Emperor ends up enjoying at that point – on the off chance that anyone.

 

Be all that as it might, it tumbles to me now to address you as your Governor and to brief you on every one of the extraordinary steps forward that have been made by the Empire to which you wind up oppressed and my prompt designs for this Province.

 

There is a lot of positive news to pass on to you, news which, while it may not give you cause for festivity, will basically persuade you to hold your heads down and abstain from making waves.

 

The Guild of Usurers and their worldwide organization of Debt Emporia have kept on flourishing past every one of the fantasies of insatiability, while the specialists of Onerus Incumtax, the Imperial Proconsul for Threats and Extortions, have concocted progressively brilliant approaches to crowbar from the ordinary tote cash the previously mentioned plebs would somehow or another have wasted on food and apparel.

 

The pharmacists of the Pharmacopeia, from whose omnipresent dispensaries flood forward wizardry pills and elixirs, referred to in the well known speech as Serius Sideffex, have flung make their ways for the country’s kids and in this manner flourish past all envisioning. Or possibly they would, didn’t those very pills and mixtures eliminate from their recipients the cumbersome limit with regards to creative mind.

 

It is a comparative example of overcoming adversity for the producers of strongholds, harpoons, claymores, slave collars and headstones, all of who report taking off benefits.

 

Which carries us to our peacekeeping activities: Britannia’s assistants keep on overcoming amicable fire in their sacrificial and to be sure frequently trivial penance on the side of the armies of the Complex Militaria Industria, which crusades indefatigably against the brute crowds who under their chief Holdus Toransum compromise at any second to clear downward on the Empire and power upon us the disgrace of not attacking anyone. That help, I could add, embarrasses that impending from different territories, for example, Gaul and Germania, which appear to be very unfit to go into the soul of the thing.

 

Naysayers might contend that our peacekeeping endeavors have brought about drawn out and ceaseless fighting however that unquestionably is a little cost to pay for our inward feeling of harmony, also giving the general population something to ponder other than hanging their rulers and experts. Furthermore, the quiet shoe producer of today could undoubtedly turn into the blood frenzied fear based oppressor of tomorrow except if we find firm ways to forestall it – ideally before the thought has even entered his head.

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